MANIC MONDAY

Has anyone reading this post right now ever heard that song called "Just Another Manic Monday"? That song is how I feel today! I am not going through a particularly busy morning as far as having a lot to do, but I am feeling kinda hectic on the inside. I am feeling like I am being pulled in a million different directions: I need to lose weight, but I miss my junk food. I want to spend my birthday with both of my parents, but I might have to choose one parent or the other to spend my special day with. I have met a great guy but I am scared to death to make it official. And then there's school! Don't even go there! LOL. Thankfully, nothing going on in my life right now is too big to be overcome. See, I could easily give in to my anxieties and temptations and pressures but I refuse to do that! As Joyce Meyer is saying right now, "where the mind goes the man follows." If I want peace of mind I need to think about what I am thinking about. Why am I feeling so stressed in the first place? Because my mind is not in the right place! I need to keep my mind on the Lord, not on my circumstances! I need to focus on what is important not on the small stuff. The important thing is God loves me and I am His child! He will put every thing in my life in the proper order if I will just let Him. I need to stop letting satan whisper in my ear that I am not smart enough to finish school, or loving enough to earn time with my mom and dad, or pretty enough to make Robert want me. No, those things are up to the Lord. If I do my part to love, obey, and serve Him, He will take care of everything. "Do your best and God will take care of the rest!" My prayer for today for myself and for my readers is this: Let it go! All your stress and anxiety and worrying. LET IT GO! Life is too short to let the devil have the victory and too long to live without the peace of God! Be blessed readers. Have a great day!

Mother's Day

So tomorrow is Mother's Day... and so right now I am just thanking God so much, for the amazing mother He has blessed me with! A mom who taught me how to be strong in the midst of unmidigating and unbearable circumstances. A mom who taught me that love is unconditional with no questions asked. And boy oh boy! did I eber test that love over the years! But you know something? Not once in my nearly twenty seven years did I ever have to wonder if my mom was going to be there for me. Not one time! She has been the rock in the midst of my storms, the anchor to my ever shifting sail boat, and yes I know it is an annoying cliche, but she truly has been the wind beneath my wings. Mom you will never know what you truly mean to me and how loved and cherished you make me feel! I love you with my whole heart. Forever your baby girl, Jocelyn.

Strength and Hope

5-1-2011
I woke up this morning with a new and unfamiliar feeling in my heart: HOPE! See, I usually wake up thinking "oh boy here we go again...Another opportunity to do the same boring things I did yesterday, and feel the same old way." WELL NOT TODAY! No today I feel like God is doing a new thing within me. He is trading beauty for ashes just like His Word says. My past is not one I am prous of to say the least. But I weep with joy even this very minute as I am blessed beyond measure. I am blessed by the fact that my past has been forgiven and wiped away and that I am a new creation in God's eyes! All the drugs, booze, sex and partyibg in all the world will never again be enough to give me this feeling! Who am I that God would give me strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow? I am His child...and He loves me!

Why I Am Here

I am here to be somebody, though sometimes I'll stand in the rain; I am also here to defy the odds, to rise above my pain. Life's not always easy, sometimes I wanna give up; But my savior's love is more than enough... To calm my fears and take my doubt; He loves me so much it makes me wanna shout! The doctors were fools saying I wouldn't live; God had a plan, my praise to Him I give. That's what my life is all about, it is more than fame or money; To some it may seem strange, you may even say it sounds funny. But life is about giving praise where it's due, And Lord the only one worthy of it is You! You are why I am here!

POWERLESSNESS

In spite of a strong faith in God and in the idea that every thing happens for a reason, and that He never gives me more than I can handle, there are still things I feel powerless about...A few things that I wish I could change. One of those things I feel powerless to change is the fact that I am twenty six, almost twenty seven, and still single. I want, crave, and even feel like I NEED a man. It feels like no matter what I say or do, I can't seem to stop my deep desire to be in a romantic relationship. I mean, I know in my head that there is nothing wrong with me and that I am a good person and that love is not earned it is a gift. But something inside me truly aches to ride off into the sunset with my knight in shining armor and live happily ever after. I feel powerless to make it happen and every time  I try to force love it blows up in my face! Ifeel very frustrated and lonely being single. It really sucks.

A PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY MADE PUBLIC

Today I just thought I would take the time to let my reader's in to the inner sanctum of my soul and let you all know how I REALLY feel sometimes. This entry is from my most private journal where on a regular basis I bare my soul and write things that sometimes I would even feel ashamed to let the Lord read. This particular entry was written on February 15, 2011. Here goes...

"I am very angry tonight. My mom is being a total hypocrite! I feel VERY betrayed! I cannot believe she did what she did! She totally turned on me and I really hate her right now! I know what I am doing. I know the difference between right and wrong! I just don't get it. I get that she worries, but she has no right to be so manipulative! I am SO upset right now! I hope I get to live on my own really really soon because this whole group home thing ain't cuttin' it neither! I am trying to show people I don't belong here but crap like this really gets to me and makes me want to even stop trying! I mean what's the point?! I can't leave until I am told I can leave anyway. It's out of my hands completely and my mother looks down on any show of strong emotion, which is all I ever feel anymore. I might as well surrender and realize I will probably never control my own destiny. GRR! Everything is BLAH!"

Wah wah wah!! I look back at this journal entry and I almost have to laugh at myself for my immaturity and childishness! I mean come on! Who am I to talk about my mom that way?! She really was only trying to protect me from a potentially bad and even dangerous situation. I know my mother loves me and only wants what is best for me. Grow up Jocelyn good Lord!

MOURNING

The reason that I have not written a blog in a whole eleven days is because of the fact that 9 days ago, the Lord took Home the most amazing, kindest, most loving man I have ever known in my entire life, and I simply have not had the emotional strength or energy to really write much of anything since that sad sad day. However, I know in my heart, that for me, writing is indeed therapeutic so...here I am (reluctant sigh). I have found it hard to have anything on my mind since last Saturday to have much of anything on my mind other than my dear dear friend and his passing. He was admirable, bold, caring, dedicated, enthusiastic, friendly, generous, helpful, intriguing, joyful, kind, loving, mature, noble, open-minded, passionate, quirky (in an  amazing way), real, sensitive, tolerant, understanding, virtuous, wise, young at heart and zealous. I have never known anyone like him and never will again. We met many years ago as kids at summer camp and from that very moment he changed my life. He always had a smile for everyone and even when he was feeling down you could never tell. I admire honor and remember him for his sincerity and charity as well as so many other irreplaceable qualities that only he could ever have possessed. My thoughts and prayers go out to the entire Ramirez family and everyone else who knew and loved our precious Dom. Do not lose heart for he is surely watching over each and every one of us and he is no longer in pain. He is God's favorite angel!

HAS IT REALLY BEEN SIX DAYS??

WOW! Time got away from me again! Not a whole lot of new stuff going on with me anyways right now. I started counseling this week and it is really great. I so enjoy and benefit from having someone to talk to who is close to my age and understands where I am coming from. I continue to steadily lose weight as well. I am now wearing a medium sized pants! ...Got a medal for basketball...ummmm school sucks and I am not doing very well :(. My step brother Kevin came over last night. We had a great time just hanging out and talking...Other than that there's really nothing to speak of going on in my world right now...more later...

THE BIG DAY

OK SO...IT'S INEVITABLY AND FASTLY APPROACHING....VALENTINE'S DAY. UGH!!!! I HATE Valentines Day! So naturally up until a few moments ago I figured it was gonna be like it is every year: Another day where I feel like a loser for being single...Well that as I said was up until a few moments ago! So I am in my room jammin' out to Christian tunes like I always do when I get home right? When all of a sudden I hear my best friend Kasie SCREAMING "JOCELYN COME HERE!! COME HERE NOW!!" I race as fast as I can to the kitchen which is now COVERED in roses at this point and Kasie has a HUGE grin on her face. So I naturally react the same way any single girl would: With insane jealousy! I try not to let it show though. Then I realize that Kasie is holding six MORE roses in her hot little hand. I didn't make the connection right away but there are six girls in our house...Anyways long story short Kasie's husband Josh had gotten a single red rose for each of us for Valentine's Day and needless to say the dreaded V-DAY no longer sucks! :-)

Getting back into the daily grind

YEP! THAT'S RIGHT! The snow storm of the century was merely an inconvenience and it is all over now. In fact, as we speak, I am sitting at the stupid day center typing this blog entry! BOOOOOO! LOL. But on the real, I am glad the snow storm was not any worse than it was... Took a while for our staff member Lindsey to be able to get her car to go anywhere, so she had to stay longer than usual, but she is home safe now and Kasie is on the clock! YAY! Love my girl! Kisses Kas! Anyways yeah, school also started the other day. My classes sound like they are gonna be REALLY REALLY fun! I am excited to get started! Not much to speak of in the romance department...same ole same ole...Boys are just as stupid as they ever were in my humble opinion...Not that anyone asked my opinion on the subject lol. Anyways... Kinda have a lot on my mind right now for some reason, and am not sure how to best get it all out without rambling or venting to the point of being annoying. I am pretty worried about my future and whether I will ever be able to live on my own again, because I really do not like the group home situation, and do not think I fit in here at the day center at all. I think my time would be MUCH better spent working a full time job and having the freedom to come and go as I please like I used to be able to do when I lived alone! But it was my parents' decision to put me here and it will probably have to be up to them to cut me loose and set me free. For now I just grin and bear it and do the best that I can to stay positive. (Not easy by the way for someone with diagnosed clinical depression!) I mean... Don't get me wrong...It is not ALL bad...I mean...I have lost weight, gotten off the Lovenox shots, "graduated" to only having my blood drawn once a week and will soon start counseling. However, unfortunately for me, the good does not in any way negate or drowned out the bad in my world. As the saying goes "if mama ain't happy ain't NOBODY happy" and this mama AIN'T happy! Oh well, at the end of the day I have friends, family, and God so I guess technically that is all I need. The rest will come in time. I will one day be a Child Psychologist with an awesome man of God as a husband and 2 beautiful children who will also love and serve the Lord. It may sound like a fairytale or a pipe dream right now, but I believe it is all completely possible. God promises to give me the desires of my heart and His promises are TRUE! Well that is probably enough rambling for today. See you all later!

Feeling Like There Is No Hope

It is a well-known fact in this day and age that depression is commonplace in our society. It is considered perfectly "normal" for someone to feel like they cannot go on or like there is no hope for them. Teenage suicide is an expected phenomenon in America today and we hardly even blink an eye anymore when it happens. So, naturally, when I started feeling a little blue 4 years ago, I initially thought nothing of it. It was just a case of the down-and-outs and it would soon pass, right? Wrong! That was in 2007 and I have been depressed at one level or another ever since then. The way I see it, the issue of depression as a whole and more specifically MY depression history, should not and CANNOT be addressed or even talked about without the appropriate amount of consideration given to my Maker, God Almighty. I am saying this because I believe that my sadness has both a spiritual CAUSE as well as a spiritual CURE. The following verses address the topic of depression either directly or at least in one way or another, be it clear cut or a bit ambiguous:

x HEBREWS 13:5                           x NEHEMIAH 8:10
x 2 CORINTHIANS 4:17                x ISAIAH 40:1              
x 2 TIMOTHY 1:12                         x JOHN 16:24  
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Hebrews tells me that God will never leave me nor forsake me. Second Corinthians says that my light affliction which is but for a moment is working for me a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory. John says in his gospel that until now, I have not asked for anything in Jesus' name, that I need only ask and my joy shall be made full. Second Timothy says that I ought never be ashamed of anything I go through, because I know Jesus, and am persuaded that He is able to keep my heart safe until His imminent return to Earth. Nehemiah says do not sorrow for the joy of the Lord is my strength. Isaiah speaks comfort to my soul for I am His child.
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Wow! If all that does not cure depression I don't know whatever will!